So I've been listening to a lot of Odd Future tonight, and I remembered an interview with Frank Ocean I read a while back. I fucking LOVE Frank Ocean. The "big brother" of the group, it's so interesting to read this and listen to his music compared to that of Tyler or Earl, for example.
In a roundabout way I appreciate OFWGKTA for just how far they go out of their way to be offensive, it's kinda like the tongue-in-cheek nature of a Cradle of Filth or whatever. But Ocean as always seemed beyond that, not only in lyrical content, but simply in terms of sheer ability.
Also, in terms of up-and-coming rap/R'n'B artists, I've recently discovered The Weeknd - and while initially disappointed that Wicked Games wasn't a Chris Isaacs cover, it very quickly grew on me and is my current obsession:
I love it SO much. Lyrically, vocally, it's just sensational. That's a better voice live than 99% of artists have post-production.
ADDENDUM: Just discovered this article. Much better than mine:
Welcome to Red Five Standing By, the new home of our collective ramblings. In saying that though, I've been terrible when it comes
to blogging lately. As usual I'll promise to write more, but who knows if that will actually happen. I've got some spare time this evening so I thought I'd do a little bit of writing. And seeing as that the only interesting things that have occurred lately have been in sport, I thought I'd write about that.
Oh boy, I sort of forgot/couldn't be bothered updating this in the past week or so. Rest assured though, I've been having an awesome time. I've been doing a lot of driving and walking, and really not that much photographing now that I look back. In any case, I'm going to use this post to dump a few photos of the past week, on this, the last night of my stay in the great state of Texas.
Determined to get this week's 'cast out on time, James and I just went in planless and riffed on a single text message he sent me earlier in the week. It's da best shit. Now download it please thanks:
It's late. It's late but it's here. It's not like the airport closes and the humans can't get in. Donavan joins us this week for the last of the 'test' podcasts (trust me, next week - mics and iTunes, internet). Football is at last discussed, as are some other things. Oh, and hey, if there's something wrong with it, I've had to steal this time online so make do. It only gets better.
It seems that nowadays, a lot of people have absolutely stopped ever paying for any music at all, and some people have grown up without ever having paid for music at all.
Today, Down (You know, the band with Phil Anselmo) put out their whole new EP for streaming, and my first thought was 'Oh Cool, I must go and buy that' despite the fact that I already ostensibly had it already, via the stream.
I wonder why that is? I mean, bands keep saying that they make almost no money off record sales anyway, so its not like I'm doing it to reward the band for making the product; what is my four pence contribution even going to do? Especially now, when every other listener gave up paying anyway so the tidal wave of individual four-pences no longer adds up to a thousand quid or anything similar. Now the band'll have eight quid and four pence or whatever instead of just eight quid. Maybe you could argue that it's important to stay a part of the chain, but after it collapsed so badly... what's the point?
The second thing is that maybe I'm doing it to 'keep record stores open' but I only buy music off either iTunes, Amazon or in a HMV store so that isn't it. HMV aren't even as much a Music store as a Games and Films store nowadays anyway, so it definitely isn't it even a little.
The third thing is that I don't want to be bad, which has merit but doesn't really satisfy.
Could just be habit. I don't particularly want to not pay for music, but I'd prefer if there seemed any merit to it other than just doing the right thing to keep Santa Claus happy. Its like cleaning the canteen at your job even though you know the next slobs will ruin it before anyone thoughtful will notice you cleaned.
It's close now. Time has somewhat crept up on me, leaving just over a week to go until I leave for Dallas/Fort Worth International airport. I feel bad for neglecting to write more about the trip, but I've had more immediate concerns which have left me more than a little unprepared with a week to go. Needless to say I've got a lot of planning to do this week so I can have my shit together in time. A part of this planning is working out my road trips, of which there are three major ones. The second takes me from the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex (my adopted 'hometown' of the trip) south, to the capital city of Austin. From there I make the shorter, southerner, journey to San Antonio. The first trip I make though, is the one that excites me the most. In the first days, I'll be heading west, to Odessa.
This is actually a shot from the film in question, but curiously enough is also the exact image I wanted to use of myself as a header. Consider it, then, a placeholder.
Taking In The Trash (note: this is a clever clever pun.
Chortle) is a feature I plan on doing as often as possible on our to-be-weekly
podcast but on account of me watching more than one trashy film a week I’m
going to throw some of them on here as well. There shall be zero overlap in the
written and recorded word save for directional mentions from one to the other.
Guaranteed.
This entry’s not written as a recommendation though. I just
finished watching 1980’s confused shocker Cannibal Apocalypse and if I get this
article out of it, then it’ll feel like it was worth my while. Imagine for me,
though, an alternate world, an alternate September 7th 2012 where I
watched Cannibal Apocalypse and didn't write about it. In this nightmarish
pseudo-existence, where a man can watch a film and just not write about it,
there and only there would watching Cannibal Apocalypse have been a pointless
exercise.
Commences the inquisition. Is it a good film? No. Is it a
terrible film? Almost definitely yes.
Almost definitely?
Yeah. Just almost. Look, I’m getting to it guy, OK? If you
view this movie as a horror film (starring John Saxon off of Nightmare On Elm
Street and Enter The Dragon), it’s a bit of a failure. Scenariowise it presents
Saxon (my number one Bond That Never Was) as a Vietnam vet struggling with
nightmares about the time he rescued two of his captured men and was bitten by
one. The implication – and I’ve either imagined this or read it on the box – is
that the ‘Cong forced these cats to eat, I dunno, each other I guess, and they
developed a taste for it. It’s never really dealt with. Anyway, the film
presents these two guys, these prisoners, as suffering from PTSD and Saxon
living a subdued private hell at home with his wife and worryingly interested
teenie neighbour. After a long, long time spent setting up the whole, you know,
they-were-in-Vietnam-and-share-a-bond-and-have-ended-up-a-little-up-the-left
thing, these dudes start biting people who themselves start biting people and
you’re left with a horror film that’s no longer a considered study on the
effects of war but a parable about the effects of war. Side A of Cannibal
Apocalypse documents three men who came back emotionally and somewhat
physically scarred from their fruitless military venture. Side B suggests that
war turned them into actual monsters, completely ruined them and by extension
the lives of those they came into contact with.
It doesn’t wash. It’s too obvious, right, as obvious as a
cat offering you a sign that reads “look, I don’t like water, I’m even less
fond of dogs and milk? Yes to all the milk, ta”. Antonio Margheriti directs a
film that works best when it’s at its worst. Refresher O’Clock – you need to approach
Cannibal Apocalypse the wrong way to enjoy it, and you get the most from it
when it fools you into thinking it’s not a horror film for the first 45 minutes,
and the least when it becomes a horror film for the last 45 minutes at the
expense of some restrained social commentary. You buy it because it’s in the
horror section, dig? The first half of the movie is just the last ten minutes
of First Blood (which, in an unplanned coincidence, I watched right before it
and have fallen hard hard in love with all over again. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE
PUSHED HIM TEASLE!) You think “sugar, this isn’t the zombiefest it was sold to
me as.” You settle in though, and even if you’re not coming off the back of
Rambers, the plight of young men who were shipped to another country and made
into figurative monsters should elicit sympathy, OK, you big bastard? And yeah, you come
to terms with it as a kinda subtle reflection on alla that with added non-bonus
teen pubage. Then it flips on you and becomes the horror film you were
originally sold and can no longer welcome. “Hi, awkward allegory. You’re late,
everyone’s left, the soup’s gone cold and yeah you can still eatdrink it but it
tastes like shit now and you kinda ruined the night. You can have the sofa if
you want to stay but I don’t want to see you here when I get home from work tomorrow.”
Neither of these kids are Saxon's, which is especially helpful when he bones one of them. Also though it's regrettable that that happens. Still, though, incest-free...
Saxon sports a good line in turtlenecks, chinos and
lumberjack shirts throughout, though I was surprised to learn afterwards that
he claims to have never watched the film, supported it being banned and
generally regrets being involved. Seems he signed on without, um, maybe reading
it or something. I mean, how else does that happen? I can only presume the
title stems from the Apocalypse Now/ Vietnam connection. You wanna talk
exploitation, there’s exploitation. Not a single sign of apocalypse otherwise. Another writer contested that the film's six cannibals better merits the title 'Cannibal Inconvenience'.
Also I just read a little about the film there and it pretty
much confirmed for me that I may have had a little sleepy while it was on ‘cause
several things were not seen by me. Go fig.
In short – watch it as a horror film and it’s pointless.
Watch it as a film with something to say and it succeeds half in, half out and
is still a little pointless. Watch it and write about it and it's
dingdingdingdingding straight to the bank. At first we got a few laughs from it because of poor
editing, a completely unsuitable score and one shot in particular where four
drops of blood accompanied four plucks of a guitar, and the gore effects are
definitely enough to have earned the film’s place on the original UK list of
banned Video Nasties, but by the end of the film I was just willing it to end.
As a B to the A of First Blood is was a cool curio, but like I said, I’m not
recommending it. What I am recommending is The Living Dead At The Manchester
Morgue, part of the same Original Video Nasties label from Optimum and also the
subject of this week’s Pod entry for Taking In The Trash. I’ll see you again next
week. Suggestions for this sort of thing are welcome and encouraged, so comment
away and I’ll see ya soon. 'Til then... pleasant SCREAMS.
Here is the debut Four Dicks Podcast. We know not yet that which we do but here it is online for you. Knowing that this is doable at all is a Four Dicks milestone and only good things can happen in the future to any of us (if only I'd written this a few days back, maybe Donavan's car wouldn't have gotten busted into).
This week's breaking bad continued the season's runaway pace, ramping things up towards a presumably chaotic and monumentally cliff hang-y season finale. Come with me after the jump, friends, as we break down episode 7.
So it looks like Tony Scott, "Tony Scott, director of Top Gun" or "Days Of Thunder helmer Tony Scott" as all the major and even minor news sites (like news.internet) are going to be calling him, jumped from a bridge and killed himself. Same news sites are 'investigating it as a suicide' which is nonsense because that's what it was. They may as well investigate their own suspected use of words in the formation of sentences. I can't speak unselfishly about this because apart from having a really famous brother I'm not familiar with the Scott tribe and I'm not about to offer blog condolence to a bunch of people I'll never meet. Flip the coin, though, and you have what does sadden me, which is that this man will never make a film again, and as a fan of movies and in nearly all cases his movies, yeah, I'll take some sadness from that. That's what he devoted his life to doing, and that's what he'll never do again, and that sucks altogether. No longer is Ridley Scott 'the lesser Scott brother' - now he's the only one.
Scott with occasional collaborator, Fat Val Kilmer
I opened with that line about those Tom Cruise films because that IS what's going to happen, but those films never said a thing to me about what Tony Scott was capable of. Here's a man with a killer resume and all the great unwatched ever talk about is that one film he made in the 80s about the gay guys flying planes. Bullshit. Here's some of my faves. Watch these in celebration or remembrance or something that suits you and lament in some small way the passing of a pretty huge talent.
The Fan - Underseen Wesley Snipes vehicle with Rob De Niro in full on sociopath mode.
The Last Boy Scout - Failed attempt at breaking Damon 'the one from the sitcom' Wayans as an action star alongside genre workhorse Bruce Willis, that's otherwise totally excellent and far less discussed amongst casual action fans than it should be.
The Denzel Washington Saga
Crimson Tide - Geeeeeeeeeeeene Hackman on a sumbarine. Also James Gandolfini. Oh, fuck, and Denzel Washinton. That's important. This film is completely awesome and tense as one of those drums I tune too high because I don't know how to do that right.
Man On Fire - Denzel figuratively and literally on fire. Maybe he's only on fire in the deleted ending, but either way I ruined the movie for you! Also features a Nine Inch Nails soundtrack cobbled together from old albums.
Deja Vu -Adam 'that Jewish nerd' Goldberg sends Denzel back in time to save the life of a woman in a nice dress. Really good and completely absolutely batpoop crazy throughout.
(Sub-category - The Denzel Washington On A Train Mini-Saga)
The Taking Of Pelham 123 -John Travolta's second career renaissance continues... on a train. Unstoppable - As a force on entertainment this is film is damn near unstoppable (!), and damn near perfect, too. No fluff, no frills, just the stuff of thrills. Crap writing 101, there, by me.
As I've probably made pretty clear already, food has been a pretty major contributor in my decision to go to Texas. ObviouslyI'll be in the heart of barbecue country for two weeks, and it's going to be awesome, but I'm almost equally excited about experiencing much of what America's fast food chains have to offer. This may seem strange - why would I go halfway across the globe just to eat some junk from a fast food joint, right? Well... I guess that's a fair point. But I couldn't live with myself if I left the US without having had some of the more crazy or elusive treats that we can only dream of on this side of the Atlantic. Here's a quick top five.
Daybreakers. The deleted scenes from Blade spun into an entire movie. Stars Alan Grant off Jurassic Park, probably Ethan Hawke too. ETHAN HAWE IN is never a good reason to go to the cinema. The speakers crackled the whole time and I got nacho cheese on my Top Cat t-shirt.
The Other Guys - THE ROCK IS IN THIS MOVIE. The Rock dies at the start of this movie. The only time I ever walked out of the cinema, and one of about four times that I was in the cinema on my own but also Deborah was there.
Terminator 4 - I cannot - I can not - remember what happens in this movie. Like an acid flashback, I have glimpses: pregnant redhead, big golden Arnie, Chekov. Shite shite shite shite shite shite.
Youth In Revolt - Mike Cera finally plays against type - just after everyone gets over him. Who was the love interest in this? An, fuckin', an old lady? Or the opposite, a...fifteen year old? More nacho cheese problems. Not often I ventured to the Newry cinema. Reason.
Hot Tub Time Machine - Pretty much everything I hate about modern culture in one sitting, plus Lizzy Caplan.
Iron Man 2 - I mean, all I remember is Iron Man...1. Happening. Did I imagine this movie. Tony has a few drinks and that's our Tony-the-alcoholic storyline? Wasn't the end of the movie set in fucking Rapture?
Toy Story 3 - Yeah, yeah, it's a great film. And the power cut. And all the kids got riled up, and took ages as fuck to settle down again and near ruined the movie.
Kung Fu Panda 2 - A film with one joke and they stuck it in the trailer. To be fair, it was a cracking joke.
Predators - Genuinely fell asleep. Adrien Brody's an action hero now huh?
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World - A film about wankers for fucking wankers.
And all the deadly films I missed and had to watch at home because of this shite - Easy A, Warrior, Drive, Bridesmaids - man, life is fuckin' hard.
Ok, I did not see that coming at all. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a television pro; I can usually work out where certain things are going based on previous examples in other shows. It's a bit harder to do this for all these cable dramas nowadays, where more free creative license is granted to the showrunners - so they get to surprise us a bit more. But I've rarely been as shocked in my life as a fan of television as I was at the end of this week's episode of Breaking Bad. Follow me if you will, but ONLY after you've seen this week's episode, heavy spoilerage ensues..
Why don't they make excellent TV shows about teenage boys?
I was just thinking about this new MTV Show Awkward and about how its like this genereation's Freaks And Geeks or My So Called Life.
And for that matter the films Juno and Easy A.
Its that end of the spectrum of media.
But apart from maybe Charlie Bartlet the film and Malcom In The Middle which doesn't 'count' for some arbitrary reason not even known to me, I've never seen an equivalent show about actual crap teenage boys, acted by actual teenage boys.
....FUCK. I literally just remembered The Inbetweeners.
But anyway...
Here's another point:
Why don't they make TV shows about the Police?
I've seen TV shows about hospitals and fire fighters but never...
Fuck.
Shit! The week damn near ended and I didn't follow up on a promise I made in an blog I write for. Also I brothe and slept this week. Still fully functional, it seems.
Remember how I said what I said about what I planned to do? I decided to start with HBO's Girls, starring and created by and written by and directed by and very possibly catered by Lena Dunham, on account of having heard (or imagined hearing, as previously discussed) it was good and Judd Apatow's name being attached to it (Apatow's like Spielberg in that if he's producing instead of directing it's still nearly guaranteed deadly). Now, what the plan was was to watch the first episode, write a few things down and move onto the next show in my list of planned newshow discoveries (including The Newsroom, Men Of A Certain Age, Louie and Justified), but instead I watched all of Girls' first season in that same sitting and didn't even notice it getting dark outside. I'm not sure when the last time I did something like was what but as I've gotten a little older and a lot rounder I'm considerably less diehard when it comes to TV and movie marathons and was sure I'd forgotten how to. Does it go without saying I enjoyed it that much? It should do. I didn't watch it all at once because I hated it. I'm not... Un-Paul. Look, you wanna meet me after the jump because this ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. Yes, I wrote the introduction last...
Fellow Dick Donavan is my go-to guy for American Television Programs, except that doesn't happen outside my mind. Don's pretty up to date on what's making waves (...AIRWAVES) across the pond, and I am the dark ages. If he's Twitter I'm a carrier pigeon. He's a phone call and I'm screaming in sandals on the cusp of the desert. As far as being on the ball goes, this is Donavan:
And this is me:
I mean to change that and you, my treasured reader, shall be privy to my first steps on the journey from ignorance to enlightenment as I devour the first episodes of five television programs I have either no or a little interest in as a result of hearing, reading or imagining Donavan talking about them. On the comedy side I'll opt for his perennial tout, Louie, as well as the latest Apatow Production Girls (which is not easily found on torrent search engines, but also which I didn't do that because, erm, the law, oh snap...) On the drama front - Justified and The Newsroom. Also a fifth thing I've not decided yet. That one with Everybody Loves Raymond in? Yeah, that'll do. Check back later in the week for thoughts on these things and the resultant levels of guilt/ antipathy for not having acted sooner as I embark upon...
Oops. Sure, it may have soured the 'Big Three' titling if I'd covered four things in my last blog, but I can't help feel I've missed a trick not mentioning Dirty Laundry. Not seen Dirty Laundry? Watch it now (it's right below) without reading any of the comments. If you're awesome you can download it in 1080p from savemedia.com and watch it on your TV with a good set of speakers. Whichever way you end up choosing, follow the jump for trite discussion and a picture of a cool dog (as an added-value incentive).
I wish Americans (specifically those whose NFL podcasts I listen to) wouldn't talk about football (our football, mind) like they know what they're on about.
I've long been toying with the idea of compiling various lists, of a musical variety. I thought of doing all the standards such as top 5 albums/songs of all time (according to me... obviously) and some such. However, reflection led me to realise that not only was that incredible boring/egotistical, but that the whole idea was rather finite. How could I try and top "MY 4 MOST FAVOURITIST SONGS IN THE WORLD EVA"?
So instead, I thought I'd write a regular blog that contained 5 songs I think people should listen to right now. Chances are they won't be current (I'd be surprised if ANY were) and there's a fair chance you know them already. I'm going to try to do this once a week so that I can get into the habit of writing regularly (any feedback or discussion will probably make this a more interesting and easier task - although I'm sure some of the stuff I post won't be everyone's cup of tea).
Best Drama:Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad. With all due respect to Game of Thrones and Mad Men and Homeland, Breaking Bad was untouchable in season 4 and finally needs to win the award for best Drama. I would also like to have seen Justified nominated for once. In the end though, Mad Men will probably walk away with the prize again. I enjoyed it this year, but thought it didn't quite live up to it's impossibly high standards.
We've all been there. You've been waiting on the delivery of something you've spent your hard earned cash on. Something awesome, and the sooner you get your dirty little hands on it the better. Sometimes you know the exact day it's meant to arrive, but this only adds to the nervous tension you feel as that day arrives. "Will it come tomorrow? What time will it be here?? What if I'm on the toilet? What if I don't hear the door?" are a just a few thoughts that run through your mind ad nauseum. It's probably better that you don't know. It makes the pain of seeing that little red card lying at the foot of your door a bit easier to take. God knows I've spent entire days waiting on a scheduled delivery, only for it to not arrive at all, and I've cursed every God and postman imaginable. No, it's better not to know. Which leads me to my story. Follow me, if you will, beyond the break...
If you ever should chance a trip to Coalisland and happen across the Yankee Star Grill House Restaurant instead of the usual clawing sense of intrusion, make sure and order their Ultimate Burger*. Yes. This is the only burger in Northern Ireland to be bigger than the inevitable thumbs up you will be compelled to capture within the permanence of photography. This Burger, described in-house (by yours truly) as "an architectural marvel" and "edible intimidation incarnate", is the culinary nadir of the balance between challenge and reward. This Burger demands consideration, attention and care. I can only pity the many who must have gone straight in thoughtlessly and witnessed the speedy decline from a pillar of tasty majesty into just a plate of food. This Burger, if tackled inappropriately, can make a fool of you. It demands respect but offers none. This Burger is a tactician's burger. Say goodbye to that side of fries. You won't be needing them. Hola, starter of ribs. Maybe next time. How would you go about it? You may never know. You're likely to chicken out at the last minute (please note that despite that comment there is no chicken in this burger. It, along with many other ingredients, is one of the few things This Burger doesn't contain). Much like I imagine giving birth must be, it's something you'll look back on in triumph without any immediate desire to try again.
Collisseo
My approach involved the cradling of the upper bap within my left hand and steady reduction of the quotient of Tobacco Onions with my right until The Burger was at a reasonable height and fit for consumption two-handedly. The Tobacco Onions, themselves slathered in Seamo's Secret Sauce, whose only secret is in
the creation of its succulence and what bargain with the Gods allowed
for it, offer a light, brittle batter and a lot less onion than your typical Norn Iron French-Fried, and act as a simultaneous primer and distraction. Ask for your bacon well done and you'll have a just-South-of-chewy savoury compliment to the main attraction: Cloughbane beef, steaky as burger meat comes and beyond criticism. Try their lasagne also - you can get it everywhere. Two-handed, you should be able to make a start on the burger itself though you'll find you're constantly working round the sides as a supplemental challenge to the relatively straightforward task of plowing straight through the middle of it. This Burger really keeps you on your toes. As soon as you're done, apologise to the waitress for the return of her fries and treat yourself to an honestly necessary mini-sleep (perhaps propping yourself as if in deep thought) before making plans to leave as delicately as is possible. Aftercare is essential, too, as This Burger carries a legacy all the way into the evening and any undue exertion is likely to cause immense suffering.
TALLER EVEN WITH THE THUMB
As described -
Slab of locally sourced meat;
Bacon;
Coleslaw;
Lettuce;
Red Onion;
Pickles (to be consumed or offered to another party by whose vinegar shall not be offended);
Side of aesthetic fries.
This was shortly within me. On this inaugural occasion, I elected to add to the concoction of flavour and texture with what little remnants of from-the-ribs-themselves BBQ sauce remained. Note that the absolute best ribs in the County also originate from this establishment and had I prepared for The Burger I may not have chanced ordering them, but mistakes are to be made.
Go there. Order This Burger. If you like good food, good service (they're a great bunch of ones) and enough Betty Boop merchandise to spur serious consideration as to whether or not she'd still be as sexy if she were real because she'd run the risk of looking pre-pubescent, Yankee Star and their truly Ultimate Burger are for you.
*Yes, I am considering suing them for possibly stumbling upon my plan to put the word 'ultimate' before foodstuffs. Ask me sometime about Ultimate Chips Peas & Gravy
I'm sure glad the film opened with the line from the bible from which the film's name was ripped or else all them morons would've been sore it isn't set on a Saturday (or a Friday for the God Nuts).
The film opens during an XFL game and is set in 2015. You wish, Vinnie Mac.
I've not got delusions about The 6th Day. I know this is from the naughties, a decade historically unkind to Arnie. Post-Last Action Hero (see last night's blog), there aren't any Arnie Films - just films that Arnie stars in. This was occasionally a good thing - End Of Days is a filthy piece of stinking shit but Arnie is GREAT in it.
Assorted ramblings:
Happy Birthday to daddy's dick and balls. Poor Arnie has to spend the whole film with his bag bluer than a sex-starved Smurf.
We've a sanity problem. The Sim Pals are as challenging to my continued wellbeing as the Johnny Cabs from Total Recowal. Here's hoping this creepy little bitch's dead in forty seconds or less.
MICHAEL RAPAPORT. I am never, ever unhappy to see that guy. See if him, Road Dogg and, fuckin', Fun Bobby could get together and star in something (like A DWELLING with me) I'd die smilin'.
I wonder if the screenplay reads: AN AMAZINGLY PRETTY MAN GREETS RAP AND ARNIE AS THEY DEBARK THE COPTER. He's like Elvis pretty.
You know, I always think the line "You are naht me, I'M ME" is from this film, but you know what film it's from? No film. No Arnie film has that line in it, not even other films with several Arnies like Last Action or Total Recall.
Arnie goes to his house and there's another him there. That's when he'd have said that line. Two mercs show up for grievance and action ensues- and little Cindy heads off to silicon heaven not long before Arnie really enjoys running someone over.
"Suppose the clones have no soul, or they're dangerous" - Arnie gets deep.
This film was directed by Roger Spottiswoode, and I've never heard of him.
Also it has one of those awful villains you can never remember just like in Tomorrow Never Dies.
Smoking being illegal in the film isn't made a big deal of but seems kinda important.
The film is so boring that I've decided to make radical assumptions about things that happen in it. Oliver the dog is barking, so Arnie says "Stop it Oliver". This is a dig at Oliver Stone, whom the director wishes would stop making movies.
Robert Duvall is in the movie. This is because he was blackmailed. Someone threatened to reveal that he was never actually in The Godfather at all.
I have better things to do. I'm not watching the rest of this film.
On yet another late-night meander through the various
delights of Wikipedia sometime last week... I ended up on the page of Vincent
Gallo and subsequently on the page of his 2011 film Essential Killing. I had a
look at the synopsis of the film and, finding myself suitably intrigued, I hit
a forum I use with some friends and decided to ask if any of them had seen it.
Until tonight the
post hadn't been referenced by anybody else, until my band mate (and very own,
personal nemesis) Gaz mentioned that he had just got his hands on it. He
mentioned that any time he was stuck for ideas about a film to watch he’d refer
to a “Top 50 films of 2011” article on Total Film.com
(http://www.totalfilm.com/features/50-best-movies-of-2011/) to try and help him
on his way. I followed the link and had a quick look. I was amazed at how many
films on there I had intended to see, but for some reason or another never got
round to.
I’d go to the cinema
fairly regularly but 2011 was different because of having a shitty back for large
parts of it, making sitting down in a cinema a bit hit and miss. In fact, the
only films on the list that I’d actually seen in a cinema were Super 8 (great…
if slightly ruined by the last 10 minutes), Moneyball (favourite film of the
year, along with the documentary Being Elmo), The Fighter (fantastic) and
something else that escapes me right now. I had of course seen some other films
theatrically also, although these were almost all comedies, decided upon at the
last minute with groups of people who were almost always hungover or lazy,
seeking something easy on the mind; Hangover 2, Inbetweeners, Bad Teacher and
Your Highness come to mind right now, but there were others (and not all as bad
as the three mentioned there). Any of the other films on the Total Film list
were watched from the (dis)comfort of my own home or in the homes of others.
Upon realising how
many of these films I intended to see, or had in my possession, but had not yet
watched, I realised that I was going to start doing so tonight. The list is
fairly substantial so I can’t imagine it will be something I do within a couple
of days… but I’ll try and chip away at the list, a few titles a week. Then I’ll
blog about them… perhaps mentioning why I had looked forward to seeing these
films for so long, how the film differed from the film I had built in my head
over the last year or so.
I’ll list a couple of them now before I head off to watch
one.
Attack The Block – I’ve been listening again to some of
director Joe Cornish’s BBC 6 Music podcasts with Adam Buxton lately, so this
film was already on the list.
True Grit – I remember I was supposed to see this in the
cinema but when the time came my gimpy back and legs were in so much pain when
trying to get ready that I gave up and stayed in. Probably watched a terrible
movie, or episodes of a TV show I’ve seen countless times before, as I’m prone
to do.
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – I read the book earlier
this year (which was fantastic. I had put it off for so long because everyone
was always fucking talking about them), thanks to the Amazon Kindle gifted to
me by old Santa Claus. Feel like I should really watch the Swedish version
first. But also feel like before I watch the Swedish version I should probably
read the other two books first. But as it turns out, my to-read list is longer
than my to-watch list and much more time consuming. It could be a while before
I see this one, folks.
The Lincoln Lawyer – I can’t help it. I really can’t. I’ve
got a soft spot for Mr. Matthew McConaughey. I just wish he’d stop making
fucking terrible Rom-Coms. I’m also partial to the odd courtroom drama, from
time to time. So McConaughey, being all Mr. Smooth in a courtroom should be
right up my alley and I’ve heard good things about it. I might watch this one
tonight. It’s a tie between it and Attack the Block I think.
Black Swan – Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis says it all
really. I don’t know how I’ve not watched this yet, because I did see them both
is some of their less *ahem* critically acclaimed 2011 releases. Portman in
Your Highness (which was ok… but a definite let-down) and No Strings Attached,
with Kunis’ old That 70’s show buddy Ashton Kutcher. It was pretty bad…even for
a Rom-Com. I only watched it because I was stuck in bed with a sore back and no
laptop/hard drives which were in Scotland, and I was in Ireland with an iPad,
my Dad got for Christmas, but everyone seems to commandeer. This was the one
film on it and I can only assume my sister must have rented it on iTunes. I saw
Kunis in Friends With Benefits, which was actually not too bad.
Submarine – I’m a huge fan of Richard Ayoade in The I.T
Crowd and The Mighty Bush. His directorial debut was something I read lots
about and really wanted to see, but I seem to remember being weighed down with
university work which essentially paralyzed me, stopping me from doing anything
– including the university work itself.
Tintin – More Joe Cornish material. This time, it’s as a
writer in collaboration with Edgar Wright and Steven Moffat. Directing was left
to some bigger fishies. I loved the Tintin cartoons as a kid, and was only put
off going to see this because my, then, 6 year old niece wouldn’t hear of it
and insisted upon something else entirely.
Thor – I wanted to see this… but fully intended to wait
until it was out of the cinema because I thought it was going to be crap.
Apparently it wasn’t, and now, post-Avengers I’m excited about sitting down to
watch it.
There are others films from 2011 I want to see on this
including 127 Hours, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy and Ides of March to name
but a few. However, it’s just hit me that I only wanted to write this blog for
15 minutes and it’s now 2 hours later (I’m easily distracted) which means I’m
going to be lucky if I even watch one of these films tonight, let alone blog
about it.
Right… I’m away to watch one of these films. I shall
probably return with something that might be analysis of some of the above, but
could be about something entirely different. Or nothing at all.
I've decided to launch a competition as a reward to all you loyal FoDix readers* for sticking by our little site while it's finding its feet, so I will offer to anyone who shares the blog with a friend a chance to one whole FREE** tin of Carlsberg's Beer. Y'all have friends, right? Throw this shit their way on Facebook, Twitter or whatever. You get TWO entries if someone with a Bebo page jumps on board. Spread the word. FREE BOOZE.
Could this be you? It COULD be you!
*See also FoDix contributors
**The tin will be paid for by me, Paul. It will be free to YOU but not stolen or anything.
I bet I've only ever seen The Last Action Hero three times at the outside max. I have it in a two-pack with The 6th Day, the artwork for which I present to you right the hell now:
You know why that annoys me? Neither 'Schwarzenegger' or 'Action Pack' are centred on that cover at all. They're not even off-centre-but-off-centre together. They're just all over the place. I asked my oul boy if he designed the DVD cover and he denied it but something like that must've happened. Somebody's da must have threw that cover thegither.
Anyway, what I'm expecting to find here is an overlooked postmodern masterpiece and a barrel of laughs, dripping wet scoopable laughs to scoop with my wooden spoon straight into my willing brainmouth.
First thing though is the absolutely necessary watchthrough of the accompanying AC/DC music video for "Big Gun" (one of my favourite AC/DC tracks and even that - the very act of liking it - wasn't enough to spare it from my absolute and final AC/DC iTunes cull just last yesterday). It has some awesome through-the-plastic-floor shots of Angus duckwalking and piles of Arnie being actually at the concert in the video, which I think happened in that Guns N Roses video as well. And then, right as the clock strikes holy fuck o'clock, Arnie turns round dressed as Angus Young, proclaims that "that's what I call action", and walks off not a lick concerned for the state he's left me in. Time for movie.
Does Columbia still make movies? I don't mind seeing that stuck up torch-holding woman in ages.The room I'm in smells a bit like Ikea. Ach there's Arnie walking across the rooves of cars, stogie at hand. This film is ticking AW FUCK ARNIE SAYS "WHEN THE GOVERNOR GETS HERE CALL ME" and my top lip is soaked from the steady trickle of melted mind. HE IS THE GOVERNOR. Anyway, the film is ticking a pile of action movie cliche, um, boxes. Clever bidness for a film that's not a Zuckers and Abrams spoof. It's always struck me as odd that this film nearly derailed Arnie's career and dropped straight through the box office floor like a big old elephant. This guy:
Has the worst face ever. I do not want to see him any more forever. I mind they had Last Action Hero toys, and sweet Beelzebub I just realised I have a Charles Cunting Dance action figure in the attic which actually belongs to our own* Four Dicker Luke's cousin but she ain't never seeing it again.
I love the minor exploration of the magic of cinema and the friendship between the little punky kid and the old fuck from Gremlins 2, and also that the films starring Arnie's character Jack Slater are just called 'Jack Slater', as in Jack Slater IV. I wish the same applied to James Bond. "JAMES BOND IN... JAMES BOND 3".
Also love that cool Arnie Moment when, in your wee lad's fantasy, he says "To be, or not to be? Not to be" and triggers a really really shit explosion in the background. This film might be too clever for Arnie. I'm wondering if he's just loving playing his usual hammy shit and John McTiernan's the one making the grand metaphysical statements about fantasy, violence and all that. Also this floppy fringed fuck ain't got shit on Fudge.
Maybe that's why he gets a knife pulled on him so soon into the movie. Seems a bit harsh.
To reiterate, I LOVE this movies-only reality where a young kid and an oul boy that works in a cinema can have a totally innocent friendship that allows them to hang out at secret midnight screenings and that. Big movies don't have a whole lot of that these days. Fuck this cynical world man, fuck it right in the ribs.
The credits for Jack Slater IV are AWESOME, and also in further mind melting it's revealed that Arnold is playing himself but the character that interacts with this young kid is Jack Slater. So Arnie's in the film but doesn't and in a way can't exist.
Then Charles Dance. He is the best one.
You know, this sort of thing has become really popular in the last few years, with the likes of Grindhouse, Black Dynamite and umpteen cartoons peddling this finely observed in-movie revelry of embracing ham and archetpyes and just play acting like big, rich kids. I'm all for it (as long as it's done right) but this film, much like the next year's Wes Craven's New Nightmare was a few years ahead in doing something that would become extremely popular and paid the price for being too smart for alllll the idiots.
Also Yuli from Die Hard's in it. I'm not sure if that's another well-observed thing (like this guy's in all the action films, cast him yo) or if it's like the honesty of Danny Trejo always being cast because he's cooler than fuck.
Minor observation 1: This film looks really nice.
Minor observation 2: I have such a crush on 90s Bridgette Wilson who, as Sonya Blade in Mortal Kombat, is my all-time number one sexy utterer of the word "bullshit" (number 2 is Ashley Jensen in the Lock, Stock episode of Movie Connections)
Minor observation 3: CAMEO SHARON STONE IN CHARACTER, ROB PATRICK IN CHARACTER CAMEOS
The "John Practice" gag is my favourite ever joke of the minute. The following exhange is even better still:
"I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger" "Schwarzenegger!" "Gesundheit"
Best thing about all these movie references is that they aren't smart alecky, it's not smarmy. It's handled relatively tastefully and it's all nice and warm.
There's a shot about halfway through where Arnie stands in the middle of the road shooting at Dance's car and it's one of those real weird shots like in Die Hard has where it's like there's a moving camera and a camera's zoom working against each other. I've just realised as well that owing to your wee man's performance and the knowing nature of things the film has a touch of Eerie, Indiana about it. I mean, he's wearing a checked hooded sweatshirt under a baseball jacket.
No. That is NOT Oddjob. He did play PLAIN ZEHROOOOO in Running Man, though.
When the kid holds up the words that Arnie can't say because the movie is PG-13 and given that 'shit' is said a pile of times, me and Dominic's suggestions were "cunt flaps", "fucked nun" and "nasal rape".
The whole scene on the roof, from the Arnie comedy (he is a true master of comedy, easy points for accent aside) to all the ones pulling the guns out to the wrecking ball wrecking balls and beyond is just pure entertainment.
Now, the reprisal of the Rickman Fall from Die Hard is a little cheap. That'd be like finding out someone ELSE was related to Luke in the Empire Strikes Back sequel...
Also I like the change in the film later, the built-in potential of having a movie character in the real world and how Slater and Benedict deal with it. Also, you have Arnie acting all reflectively and giving the real him some grief in a moment of isolated poignancy.
Rick Ducommon is always welcome, unlike your man Belushi who just needs to realise he's not Bill Murray, fuck off, and die alone.
Easily the best scene in the film - anyone who sees this film and doesn't recall this fondly has minus worth:
When Slater quips "No sequel for you", it is said like a ghost would say it.
I lovehate it in films when people must never see each other again. It makes me want to blub my face off. It happens in The Pagemaster as well as other things that it happens in.
The blog is over now. Here is Macaulay Culkin being interviewed at the movie's premiere (!)
More of this and more of that at Rambleast, where I'll be waiting all smiles and cake.
Bill Duke - The Blackest Man in The World. Whilst crediting the darkness of other humans, Duke is the benchmark against which they are measured. Fuck you asshole? Fuck YOU, ASSHORL.
David Patrick Kelley - Whilst not clinking bottles on his fingers and inviting teenagers in their thirties to come out and play or firing it up, Dee Pee Kay takes his place amongst The Commanded with a pair of unforgettable comeuppances - firstly, he is spun through the air within a telephone box, and lastly - for him, EVER - dropped from a great height as the victim of a lie.
Charles Meshack - The one no-one remembers, Chuck gets his poor ass neck snapped on a plane, somehow...I'm not sure how it happens that no fucker notices, but... Maybe... Anyway, we have to presume he's dead because Arnold - JOHN MATRIX - quips that he's "dead tired".
John Vernon - Man, there's no way the script was written with the way John Vernon sweatily fucks at his role's hole in mind - of all the things people remember about THE COMMANDO, it is Vernon's Antipodean nemesis Bennett "rocking"* his fat belly and the possibly the gotta be best outfit ever worn by humans (except Han Solo in Star Wars 1 because that's the coolest cat out) with his too-big black t-shirt, CHAINMAIL VEST and leather trousers. If I was in the form for looking into things I'd say that when he's impaled by Arnold's vengeance pipe late in the film, he fucking loves it. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.
Bill Paxton - Bill Paxton is in this film. Bill Paxton is fucking famous as fuck and he's in this film for like a second. What the hell, Commando?
Dan Hedaya - One of those cats you see in everything - most of all things he's not in - but can never remember a) his name when you see him or b) what he looks like when his name's in the credits.
Here, has anyone ever made the joke, just, "Conan The Librarian" before. I imagine not.
Arnold - This film is a love letter to Arnold. Everything anyone - women or Not That There's Anything Wrong With That men - could want from an Arnold film is in this Arnold Film. Physical feats of strength, ON CAMERA? You got it. Carries a log, rips a phone booth from the wall, flips a car over. ARM PORNO? Yes. Lots of lingering, sweaty shots of the embodiment of the human equivalent of equine majesty that is Arnold Schwarzengger's 'ceps. I feel like a puny fuck watching this film. ONE-LINERS? Get to fuck. There's barely a line that isn't concocted for maximum cheering, in-cinema. Ones' arms must have been wrecked from all the cheering. VIOLENCE? Nigga please, he kills something like thirty men in five minutes - and that's in the CUT version. FACIAL CONTORTMENT? If only someone would upload it to Youtube, I would watch the shot where he wades out of the swamp for days and days. THE THICK BALMY SAP OF AUSTRIAN TESTOSTERONE? Empty your bags 'til this:
The soundtrack - More steel drum than Super Mario Bros. 3. Or like, most music.
Alyssa Milano - Sure, when she grew up she became a witch? Not sure why I put that question mark there. Either way, she never would have been such a bad ass magic mutha if Matrix hadn't raised her right, resisting the urge to snap her twigsforbones when she ice creams him in the face and feeding a deer with her (and possibly later, to her? I imagine Matrix would hunt deer, then cook and eat them for his dinner at night, sometimes).
A Final Fact: Apparently, the film was written for Gene Simmons, awwww, go away and FUCK yourself, the past. That film - COMMANDO starring Gene Simmons - would have been a shit film.
*In a bid to get over with the young ones, I've made this concession to wankery. You can't expect to apply a term like this and live, though, not round my gaff son. Rockin's for concerts.
For more on films, finery and fillies head to Rambleast post-haste. Note there are no fillies at Rambleast.
