Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Four Dicks Chow Review: This Burger

If you ever should chance a trip to Coalisland and happen across the Yankee Star Grill House Restaurant instead of the usual clawing sense of intrusion, make sure and order their Ultimate Burger*. Yes. This is the only burger in Northern Ireland to be bigger than the inevitable thumbs up you will be compelled to capture within the permanence of photography. This Burger, described in-house (by yours truly) as "an architectural marvel" and "edible intimidation incarnate", is the culinary nadir of the balance between challenge and reward. This Burger demands consideration, attention and care. I can only pity the many who must have gone straight in thoughtlessly and witnessed the speedy decline from a pillar of tasty majesty into just a plate of food. This Burger, if tackled inappropriately, can make a fool of you. It demands respect but offers none. This Burger is a tactician's burger. Say goodbye to that side of fries. You won't be needing them. Hola, starter of ribs. Maybe next time. How would you go about it? You may never know. You're likely to chicken out at the last minute (please note that despite that comment there is no chicken in this burger. It, along with many other ingredients, is one of the few things This Burger doesn't contain). Much like I imagine giving birth must be, it's something you'll look back on in triumph without any immediate desire to try again.

My approach involved the cradling of the upper bap within my left hand and steady reduction of the quotient of Tobacco Onions with my right until The Burger was at a reasonable height and fit for consumption two-handedly. The Tobacco Onions, themselves slathered in Seamo's Secret Sauce, whose only secret is in the creation of its succulence and what bargain with the Gods allowed for it, offer a light, brittle batter and a lot less onion than your typical Norn Iron French-Fried, and act as a simultaneous primer and distraction. Ask for your bacon well done and you'll have a just-South-of-chewy savoury compliment to the main attraction: Cloughbane beef, steaky as burger meat comes and beyond criticism. Try their lasagne also - you can get it everywhere. Two-handed, you should be able to make a start on the burger itself though you'll find you're constantly working round the sides as a supplemental challenge to the relatively straightforward task of plowing straight through the middle of it. This Burger really keeps you on your toes. As soon as you're done, apologise to the waitress for the return of her fries and treat yourself to an honestly necessary mini-sleep (perhaps propping yourself as if in deep thought) before making plans to leave as delicately as is possible. Aftercare is essential, too, as This Burger carries a legacy all the way into the evening and any undue exertion is likely to cause immense suffering.

As described -

Slab of locally sourced meat;
Red Onion;
Pickles (to be consumed or offered to another party by whose vinegar shall not be offended);
Side of aesthetic fries.

This was shortly within me. On this inaugural occasion, I elected to add to the concoction of flavour and texture with what little remnants of from-the-ribs-themselves BBQ sauce remained. Note that the absolute best ribs in the County also originate from this establishment and had I prepared for The Burger I may not have chanced ordering them, but mistakes are to be made.

Go there. Order This Burger. If you like good food, good service (they're a great bunch of ones) and enough Betty Boop merchandise to spur serious consideration as to whether or not she'd still be as sexy if she were real because she'd run the risk of looking pre-pubescent, Yankee Star and their truly Ultimate Burger are for you.

*Yes, I am considering suing them for possibly stumbling upon my plan to put the word 'ultimate' before foodstuffs. Ask me sometime about Ultimate Chips Peas & Gravy


  1. Now THIS is what I'm talking about.

    1. Fists: bumped. I've ideas for more of this shiznit*, too.


      Wonder if I could spin an entire blog about Road Dogg...

      Also, there's only five characters between those asterisks. That's just stupid.