Friday, 13 July 2012

How Rad Was My Commando?

Bill Duke - The Blackest Man in The World. Whilst crediting the darkness of other humans, Duke is the benchmark against which they are measured. Fuck you asshole? Fuck YOU, ASSHORL.

David Patrick Kelley - Whilst not clinking bottles on his fingers and inviting teenagers in their thirties to come out and play or firing it up, Dee Pee Kay takes his place amongst The Commanded with a pair of unforgettable comeuppances - firstly, he is spun through the air within a telephone box, and lastly - for him, EVER - dropped from a great height as the victim of a lie.

Charles Meshack - The one no-one remembers, Chuck gets his poor ass neck snapped on a plane, somehow...I'm not sure how it happens that no fucker notices, but... Maybe... Anyway, we have to presume he's dead because Arnold - JOHN MATRIX - quips that he's "dead tired".

John Vernon - Man, there's no way the script was written with the way John Vernon sweatily fucks at his role's hole in mind - of all the things people remember about THE COMMANDO, it is Vernon's Antipodean nemesis Bennett "rocking"* his fat belly and the possibly the gotta be best outfit ever worn by humans (except Han Solo in Star Wars 1 because that's the coolest cat out) with his too-big black t-shirt, CHAINMAIL VEST and leather trousers. If I was in the form for looking into things I'd say that when he's impaled by Arnold's vengeance pipe late in the film, he fucking loves it. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That.

Bill Paxton - Bill Paxton is in this film. Bill Paxton is fucking famous as fuck and he's in this film for like a second. What the hell, Commando?

Dan Hedaya - One of those cats you see in everything - most of all things he's not in - but can never remember a) his name when you see him or b) what he looks like when his name's in the credits.

Here, has anyone ever made the joke, just, "Conan The Librarian" before. I imagine not.

Arnold - This film is a love letter to Arnold. Everything anyone - women or Not That There's Anything Wrong With That men - could want from an Arnold film is in this Arnold Film. Physical feats of strength, ON CAMERA? You got it. Carries a log, rips a phone booth from the wall, flips a car over. ARM PORNO? Yes. Lots of lingering, sweaty shots of the embodiment of the human equivalent of equine majesty that is Arnold Schwarzengger's 'ceps. I feel like a puny fuck watching this film. ONE-LINERS? Get to fuck. There's barely a line that isn't concocted for maximum cheering, in-cinema. Ones' arms must have been wrecked from all the cheering. VIOLENCE? Nigga please, he kills something like thirty men in five minutes - and that's in the CUT version. FACIAL CONTORTMENT? If only someone would upload it to Youtube, I would watch the shot where he wades out of the swamp for days and days. THE THICK BALMY SAP OF AUSTRIAN TESTOSTERONE? Empty your bags 'til this:

The soundtrack - More steel drum than Super Mario Bros. 3. Or like, most music.

Alyssa Milano - Sure, when she grew up she became a witch? Not sure why I put that question mark there. Either way, she never would have been such a bad ass magic mutha if Matrix hadn't raised her right, resisting the urge to snap her twigsforbones when she ice creams him in the face and feeding a deer with her (and possibly later, to her? I imagine Matrix would hunt deer, then cook and eat them for his dinner at night, sometimes).

A Final Fact: Apparently, the film was written for Gene Simmons, awwww, go away and FUCK yourself, the past. That film - COMMANDO starring Gene Simmons - would have been a shit film. 

*In a bid to get over with the young ones, I've made this concession to wankery. You can't expect to apply a term like this and live, though, not round my gaff son. Rockin's for concerts.

For more on films, finery and fillies head to Rambleast post-haste. Note there are no fillies at Rambleast.

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