Monday, 9 July 2012

Spontaneous liveblog



23:11 - The font used in the intro is FUCKING UNREAL. Now, Arnold is fighting in a refinery. Lads who look suspiciously like Half Life guards shoot at him. The speccy fella is inputting a code so they can escape. The code is "653". Not very secure, is it?


23:14 - Based on a novel by Richard Bachman. The book's fucking deadly too. Love how very very Blade Runner the L.A skyline is. CYBERPUNK FOR THE WIN. Guy who looks very like Matt Berry there too. I'd never be able to find a picture of him though

23:18- Aw holy fuck, there was a guy dressed like a patchwork cowboy there. I love this film. I will NEVER watch The Hunger Games though. Battle Royale was a good enough copy of this film with kids killing t'other. Also, that The Condemned film with Stone Cold, where Vinny Jones rapes that girl. Made me legit hate him in real life. Although that didn't happpen with Hope's granda in Last House on the Left. TANGENT

23:21- There's that guy. You know him, he's in stuff. OH FUCK, FORGOT ABOUT JESSE "THE BODY" "THE MIND" "CAPTAIN FREEDOM" VENTURA, OH MY DAYS ARNOLD HAS A MOUSTACHE IN A MUGSHOT. Sassy Latino broad now.

23:22- Realising this isn't a live blogging, but a putting down on "paper" a series of incoherent thoughts

23:25- Arnold's wearing white chinos and a wifebeater. Fabulous. 

23:26- He loves 80's films with scenes in airport terminals. This, Total Recall.......others. HOLY FUCK, GUY IN THE BACKGROUND HAD A FLASHING LED IN HIS SUNGLASSES! Why??? PRE EMPTING GOOGLE GLASS??ohmystars the shot when a net gets shot at Arnold is proper amazing, like from a fuckin' Michael Bay film

23:34- There was a break. Haven't even got to the meat of the film yet. HARDER THAN A DIAMOND IN AN ICE STORM

23:36- Ewww, they have Arnold all strapped down in a chair here, to do tests and whatnot, and the noise when they put things in his mouth was pure rotten. Gassed fuck outta him now

23:38- CLIMBING FOR DOLLARS. Could very easily be a standalone film. For the uninitiated, there's a lad climbing a rope, holding dollars, being chased by dogs. Forgot about this weird dance / gambling scene. It's VERY long. SIX DOLLARS FOR A JUICE? Fuck off

23:41- "Ad hoc de facto" is NOT a real portion of a sentence. Also, some stupid bitch sounded longing about Arnold raping her. Real bitches don't talk like that, yo

23:45- The Mind is rocking a cream turtleneck / baby blue blazer look. Very, very fetching.

23:48- "It's time to start running", OH FUCK. Then Arnold says "I'll be back" and my heart hurts. BUT THEN HE SLIDE DOWN A BIG TUNNEL AND MY EYES HURT. WITH HAPPINESS

23:52: Sub Zero just came out. Not as cool as this guy:

BUT, he does chop a gong in half and, apparently, "his opponents into bloody sushi". Also, just found this picture:

Which apparently translates as "It short against the death". So there.

23:56- Lad who looked wile like Curly Watts there. Then Arnold killed Sub Zero and said "Here's Sub Zero, now....plain zero." MAKES NO SENSE

23:59- "Buzzsaw's chainsaws can cut through....even solid steel" so he cuts through some polystyrene. Then a lad sang some opera and the Latina firecracker got put into the game. THEN THERE'S A SHOT OF THE NARRATOR, SMOKING AS HE'S NARRATING. Looking like a boss. Smoking makes you cool, look at this guy

00:08- IS THAT JIM FUCKING BROWN? Fucking is too. Brown is considered the best running back in NFL history (RUNNING BACK, GEDDIT??), and is now playing "Fireball", armed with flame thrower and jet pack. Never noticed it was him when I watched this before. Jim Brown is a bell end

00:12- I always find it fascinating that in his wile long career, and with the amount of crazy action films he had, Arnold only had 2 stunt men. Kudos, lads. 

00:15- Imagine a chainsaw cutting up through your gooch, dick and balls. RUBBISH

00:17- The opera singer is chasing Arnold in a car VERY similar to the one used in Darkplace. Also, his uniform is FUCKING UNREAL, there's LEDs everywhere. He's only after shocking the eye candy in the titties too. But then he crashed and was shite. Then Arnold had sympathy, and didn't kill him, and the crowd got annoyed. #knobs

00:21- Got dayum, Killian's tuxedo jacket is nice. "I HOPE YOU LEFT ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST, 'COS I'M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH, AND BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE". Arnold is key

00:22- JIM BROWN'S RE-EMERGENCE IS UNREAL. Just fuckin' red and fire EVERYWHERE

00:23- Also, a real talk fact - until quite recently (since I learned who Jim Brown is) I always thought Fireball was played by Sidney Poitier. Or, had it vaguely confused in my mind at least

00:32- Now in a T-2 style place, with Jim Brown being pretty menacing. J-Lo just realised that the lads who's previously "won the game and their freedom" have, instead, been brutally killed. Jim Poitier has badger hair. And just got blown up. Again, in his dick. There's just no need


00:39- Words cannot describe the fight scene I just watched between Arnold and Captain Freedom. So, I won't try.

00:43- Killian's getting found out now. For the best, as he's a fucking cock. THEN THE COMMAND ROOM GETS INTERRUPTED BY THE GAYEST MILITIA EVER!!

00:46- The fat raper got electrocuted to death. Was only wearing pants. Kinda weird

00:51- So, some other stuff happened, but it wasn't much craic. Here's the soundtrack instead. Also, even though Terminator 2 is probably my favourite film (it has EVERYTHING), The Running Man might be my favourite "Arnold" film. Although there's also Predator.....anyway, whatever.


  1. It's Predator, but each time I watch Commando it moves up the rank of my favourite Arnold Film.

    But so does this...

  2. I'll be honest, Commando, I'm not familiar enough with. NEXT MISSION

  3. List 93: The Best Five Moments In Commando

    1: Crash zoom on Arnie as he checks his watch for the first time

    2: Arnie throws a pipe INTO A HUMAN BEING

    3: Arnie rips a phone booth from a wall, with a human being inside it, and spins it through the air

    4: Crash zoom on Arnie as he checks his watch for the second time

    5: Arnie kills at least thirty men in five minutes