Taking In The Trash #1: Cannibal Apocalypse

This is actually a shot from the film in question, but curiously enough is also the exact image I wanted to use of myself as a header. Consider it, then, a placeholder.

Taking In The Trash (note: this is a clever clever pun. Chortle) is a feature I plan on doing as often as possible on our to-be-weekly podcast but on account of me watching more than one trashy film a week I’m going to throw some of them on here as well. There shall be zero overlap in the written and recorded word save for directional mentions from one to the other. Guaranteed. 

This entry’s not written as a recommendation though. I just finished watching 1980’s confused shocker Cannibal Apocalypse and if I get this article out of it, then it’ll feel like it was worth my while. Imagine for me, though, an alternate world, an alternate September 7^th 2012 where I watched Cannibal Apocalypse and didn't write about it. In this nightmarish pseudo-existence, where a man can watch a film and just not write about it, there and only there would watching Cannibal Apocalypse have been a pointless exercise. 

Commences the inquisition. Is it a good film? No. Is it a terrible film? Almost definitely yes.

Almost definitely?

Yeah. Just almost. Look, I’m getting to it guy, OK? If you view this movie as a horror film (starring John Saxon off of Nightmare On Elm Street and Enter The Dragon), it’s a bit of a failure. Scenariowise it presents Saxon (my number one Bond That Never Was) as a Vietnam vet struggling with nightmares about the time he rescued two of his captured men and was bitten by one. The implication – and I’ve either imagined this or read it on the box – is that the ‘Cong forced these cats to eat, I dunno, each other I guess, and they developed a taste for it. It’s never really dealt with. Anyway, the film presents these two guys, these prisoners, as suffering from PTSD and Saxon living a subdued private hell at home with his wife and worryingly interested teenie neighbour. After a long, long time spent setting up the whole, you know, they-were-in-Vietnam-and-share-a-bond-and-have-ended-up-a-little-up-the-left thing, these dudes start biting people who themselves start biting people and you’re left with a horror film that’s no longer a considered study on the effects of war but a parable about the effects of war. Side A of Cannibal Apocalypse documents three men who came back emotionally and somewhat physically scarred from their fruitless military venture. Side B suggests that war turned them into actual monsters, completely ruined them and by extension the lives of those they came into contact with.

It doesn’t wash. It’s too obvious, right, as obvious as a cat offering you a sign that reads “look, I don’t like water, I’m even less fond of dogs and milk? Yes to all the milk, ta”. Antonio Margheriti directs a film that works best when it’s at its worst. Refresher O’Clock – you need to approach Cannibal Apocalypse the wrong way to enjoy it, and you get the most from it when it fools you into thinking it’s not a horror film for the first 45 minutes, and the least when it becomes a horror film for the last 45 minutes at the expense of some restrained social commentary. You buy it because it’s in the horror section, dig? The first half of the movie is just the last ten minutes of First Blood (which, in an unplanned coincidence, I watched right before it and have fallen hard hard in love with all over again. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PUSHED HIM TEASLE!) You think “sugar, this isn’t the zombiefest it was sold to me as.” You settle in though, and even if you’re not coming off the back of Rambers, the plight of young men who were shipped to another country and made into figurative monsters should elicit sympathy, OK, you big bastard? And yeah, you come to terms with it as a kinda subtle reflection on alla that with added non-bonus teen pubage. Then it flips on you and becomes the horror film you were originally sold and can no longer welcome. “Hi, awkward allegory. You’re late, everyone’s left, the soup’s gone cold and yeah you can still eatdrink it but it tastes like shit now and you kinda ruined the night. You can have the sofa if you want to stay but I don’t want to see you here when I get home from work tomorrow.”

Neither of these kids are Saxon's, which is especially helpful when he bones one of them. Also though it's regrettable that that happens. Still, though, incest-free...

Saxon sports a good line in turtlenecks, chinos and lumberjack shirts throughout, though I was surprised to learn afterwards that he claims to have never watched the film, supported it being banned and generally regrets being involved. Seems he signed on without, um, maybe reading it or something. I mean, how else does that happen? I can only presume the title stems from the Apocalypse Now/ Vietnam connection. You wanna talk exploitation, there’s exploitation. Not a single sign of apocalypse otherwise. Another writer contested that the film's six cannibals better merits the title 'Cannibal Inconvenience'.

Also I just read a little about the film there and it pretty much confirmed for me that I may have had a little sleepy while it was on ‘cause several things were not seen by me. Go fig.

In short – watch it as a horror film and it’s pointless. Watch it as a film with something to say and it succeeds half in, half out and is still a little pointless. Watch it and write about it and it's dingdingdingdingding straight to the bank. At first we got a few laughs from it because of poor editing, a completely unsuitable score and one shot in particular where four drops of blood accompanied four plucks of a guitar, and the gore effects are definitely enough to have earned the film’s place on the original UK list of banned Video Nasties, but by the end of the film I was just willing it to end. As a B to the A of First Blood is was a cool curio, but like I said, I’m not recommending it. What I am recommending is The Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue, part of the same Original Video Nasties label from Optimum and also the subject of this week’s Pod entry for Taking In The Trash. I’ll see you again next week. Suggestions for this sort of thing are welcome and encouraged, so comment away and I’ll see ya soon. 'Til then... pleasant SCREAMS.

'The Dark Knight Rises' - Thoughts and Bitchin' Alternate Ending Proposal.

Just back from seeing The Dark Knight Rises for a second time. Here are some things:

2011, was a year, what had films come out during it... so it was... aye

On yet another late-night meander through the various delights of Wikipedia sometime last week... I ended up on the page of Vincent Gallo and subsequently on the page of his 2011 film Essential Killing. I had a look at the synopsis of the film and, finding myself suitably intrigued, I hit a forum I use with some friends and decided to ask if any of them had seen it.

 Until tonight the post hadn't been referenced by anybody else, until my band mate (and very own, personal nemesis) Gaz mentioned that he had just got his hands on it. He mentioned that any time he was stuck for ideas about a film to watch he’d refer to a “Top 50 films of 2011” article on Total Film.com (http://www.totalfilm.com/features/50-best-movies-of-2011/) to try and help him on his way. I followed the link and had a quick look. I was amazed at how many films on there I had intended to see, but for some reason or another never got round to.

 I’d go to the cinema fairly regularly but 2011 was different because of having a shitty back for large parts of it, making sitting down in a cinema a bit hit and miss. In fact, the only films on the list that I’d actually seen in a cinema were Super 8 (great… if slightly ruined by the last 10 minutes), Moneyball (favourite film of the year, along with the documentary Being Elmo), The Fighter (fantastic) and something else that escapes me right now. I had of course seen some other films theatrically also, although these were almost all comedies, decided upon at the last minute with groups of people who were almost always hungover or lazy, seeking something easy on the mind; Hangover 2, Inbetweeners, Bad Teacher and Your Highness come to mind right now, but there were others (and not all as bad as the three mentioned there). Any of the other films on the Total Film list were watched from the (dis)comfort of my own home or in the homes of others.

 Upon realising how many of these films I intended to see, or had in my possession, but had not yet watched, I realised that I was going to start doing so tonight. The list is fairly substantial so I can’t imagine it will be something I do within a couple of days… but I’ll try and chip away at the list, a few titles a week. Then I’ll blog about them… perhaps mentioning why I had looked forward to seeing these films for so long, how the film differed from the film I had built in my head over the last year or so.

I’ll list a couple of them now before I head off to watch one.

Attack The Block – I’ve been listening again to some of director Joe Cornish’s BBC 6 Music podcasts with Adam Buxton lately, so this film was already on the list.

True Grit – I remember I was supposed to see this in the cinema but when the time came my gimpy back and legs were in so much pain when trying to get ready that I gave up and stayed in. Probably watched a terrible movie, or episodes of a TV show I’ve seen countless times before, as I’m prone to do.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – I read the book earlier this year (which was fantastic. I had put it off for so long because everyone was always fucking talking about them), thanks to the Amazon Kindle gifted to me by old Santa Claus. Feel like I should really watch the Swedish version first. But also feel like before I watch the Swedish version I should probably read the other two books first. But as it turns out, my to-read list is longer than my to-watch list and much more time consuming. It could be a while before I see this one, folks.

The Lincoln Lawyer – I can’t help it. I really can’t. I’ve got a soft spot for Mr. Matthew McConaughey. I just wish he’d stop making fucking terrible Rom-Coms. I’m also partial to the odd courtroom drama, from time to time. So McConaughey, being all Mr. Smooth in a courtroom should be right up my alley and I’ve heard good things about it. I might watch this one tonight. It’s a tie between it and Attack the Block I think.

Black Swan – Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis says it all really. I don’t know how I’ve not watched this yet, because I did see them both is some of their less *ahem* critically acclaimed 2011 releases. Portman in Your Highness (which was ok… but a definite let-down) and No Strings Attached, with Kunis’ old That 70’s show buddy Ashton Kutcher. It was pretty bad…even for a Rom-Com. I only watched it because I was stuck in bed with a sore back and no laptop/hard drives which were in Scotland, and I was in Ireland with an iPad, my Dad got for Christmas, but everyone seems to commandeer. This was the one film on it and I can only assume my sister must have rented it on iTunes. I saw Kunis in Friends With Benefits, which was actually not too bad.

Submarine – I’m a huge fan of Richard Ayoade in The I.T Crowd and The Mighty Bush. His directorial debut was something I read lots about and really wanted to see, but I seem to remember being weighed down with university work which essentially paralyzed me, stopping me from doing anything – including the university work itself.

Tintin – More Joe Cornish material. This time, it’s as a writer in collaboration with Edgar Wright and Steven Moffat. Directing was left to some bigger fishies. I loved the Tintin cartoons as a kid, and was only put off going to see this because my, then, 6 year old niece wouldn’t hear of it and insisted upon something else entirely.

Thor – I wanted to see this… but fully intended to wait until it was out of the cinema because I thought it was going to be crap. Apparently it wasn’t, and now, post-Avengers I’m excited about sitting down to watch it.

There are others films from 2011 I want to see on this including 127 Hours, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy and Ides of March to name but a few. However, it’s just hit me that I only wanted to write this blog for 15 minutes and it’s now 2 hours later (I’m easily distracted) which means I’m going to be lucky if I even watch one of these films tonight, let alone blog about it.

Right… I’m away to watch one of these films. I shall probably return with something that might be analysis of some of the above, but could be about something entirely different. Or nothing at all.

Spontaneous liveblog

THE RUNNING MAN IS ON

LIVEBLOG

Live Blogged: Mission Impossible 3

So I came home from work looking a good release, and lo and behold, Film 4 were showing one of my favourite movies, M:I III. Now it's been a while since I've seen this film admittedly, so I decided to jot down some as-they-happen thoughts while a watch. Enjoy.

21:15

This is when I turn on the TV, unfortunately about 10 minutes into the film. Can't remember if I missed much.

21:17

Holy shit! Emmy Award-winning actor and genuine dead on guy (I believe) Aaron Paul is in this movie! He kicks so much ass in Breaking Bad. This must be the first time I've seen this movie since it started. Aaron seems to be Tom Cruise's brother-in-law-to-be here.